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Really bad lawyer jokes!

 
Old 04-24-2003, 09:55 PM
  #1  
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Talking Really cheesy lawyer jokes!

These are all so bad, they're funny. Enjoy


1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had
pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future
lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then
he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true
stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many
can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three.
One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder
company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?Nothing. There
are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?The lawyer
gets frequent flyer miles.
16. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while
New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites ?New Jersey got first choice.
17. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician? Chelsea Clinton

Last edited by galaxygrrl; 04-25-2003 at 12:25 AM.
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Old 04-24-2003, 10:11 PM
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LOL!!!!..... some of those were pretty good.... i especially liked #7

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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Old 04-24-2003, 11:46 PM
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Old 04-25-2003, 01:22 AM
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Re: Really cheesy lawyer jokes!

Originally posted by galaxygrrl
Really bad lawyer jokes
yes they are...
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Old 04-25-2003, 01:31 AM
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Re: Re: Really cheesy lawyer jokes!

Originally posted by KWiK
yes they are...
I have accountant ones two, but they are not as funny.

Cheers,

Beth
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Old 04-29-2003, 05:22 PM
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Thumbs up

Well, I like them. It's impossible to have a bad lawyer joke.
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Old 04-29-2003, 07:37 PM
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there are good lawyer jokes?
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Old 04-29-2003, 09:14 PM
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post the accountant ones too ms beth!!
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:53 AM
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Let me add a few.

Joke 1: A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Joke 2: Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it. :v

Joke 3: There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
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Old 02-21-2005, 01:26 AM
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Don't forget the classic, What do you call a lawyer wearing cement shoes on the bottom of the ocean?
.
.
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.
.
A good start
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Old 02-21-2005, 02:58 AM
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Old 02-21-2005, 05:07 AM
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hahaha...

OMG, these are TERRIBLE. but yes, I did get a chuckle from them. :p
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Old 02-21-2005, 05:29 AM
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All the circumstantial evidence in the trial pointed to the defendant being guilty of murdering his wife and the only thing going for the defense was that the police had not found the body. In his closing argument, the defense attorney stood before the jury and boldly stated, "I know what you're all thinking, but we have a surprise witness . . . my client's wife will be entering the courtroom."

The whole courtroom cast their eyes towards the door of the courtroom and as they all waited, you could hear the clock ticking. After a few minutes had gone by, the attorney continued, "I have to apologize to you, we didn't find her, but . . . the fact that you all looked and expected to see her means that you all have a reasonable doubt that she's dead and therefore you must find for my client."

The jury was out less than 10 minutes and returned a guilty verdict. Puzzled, the attorney cornered the jury foreman and asked what happened. "Well, that was a pretty good argument" said the foreman . . . "it's just that I noticed that your client didn't look at the door."
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Old 02-21-2005, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by islanguam

So "True"
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Old 02-21-2005, 11:07 AM
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I don't appreciate these lawyer jokes
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:12 PM
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BrabusS55AMG,

Your .sig has me a bit curious. Where in COMPTON, exactly, are you from?

Philly's a l o n g way from Compton, lol!

Cheers,

EDJ

Last edited by ElDiabloJoe; 02-21-2005 at 12:18 PM.
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:20 PM
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lol Compton is where Dr.Dre is from.... It's a joke.... in Forget about Dre he says "cause I'm from the streets of Compton"
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by BrabusS55AMG
lol Compton is where Dr.Dre is from.... It's a joke.... in Forget about Dre he says "cause I'm from the streets of Compton"
Hahahaha, OIC!. My misunderstanding.
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Old 02-21-2005, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by BrabusS55AMG
I don't appreciate these lawyer jokes

Your Honor, we'd like to move to "Cross-Contamination" :p
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Old 02-21-2005, 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted by BrabusS55AMG
I don't appreciate these lawyer jokes
So what?...maybe it's a little payback for asserting that nearly all C-class Mercedes are "crap"?.
Originally Posted by BrabusS55AMG
Go for the S55 No C (crap class)
And...
Originally Posted by BrabusS55AMG
Don't just buy a Mercedes for the name like Stiggs said. That's usually why I am scornful of C-Classes because I always think people just want one for the name and bragging rights (a C is not that much to brag about either (except C55).


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new S55AMG in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His S55AMG, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!."
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Old 02-21-2005, 10:09 PM
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More!

How do you know if a skunk or a lawyer has been run over in the road? There's skidmarks for the skunk.

What's the difference between a sperm and a lawyer? The sperm has a 1 in 10 million chance of becoming a human being.
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Old 02-22-2005, 02:57 AM
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Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...

1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"

2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."

1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"

2nd lawyer: "No, the kid had it under his coat..."
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Old 02-22-2005, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by galaxygrrl
16. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites ?New Jersey got first choice.

Hey now, NY has the most lawyers. :p
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Old 02-25-2005, 01:15 PM
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Three little boys,all about 10 years old,were playing indoors together due to all the snow outside.As small boys often will do,the first one starts proudly bragging about the favorite man in his life:his father.
"My dad works for the airlines," he brags."I get to go with him to the airport on the weekend, sometimes we even go fly in OUR OWN airplane!".
"Really?...Honest?" his two buddies ask in awe...
"You bet!.It's really fun to hang out with my Dad at the airport."
The second kid,not to be outdone by the first,pipes in and says "my Dad is the captain of a huge cruise ship.
Although I haven't been on a cruise with him yet,I get pictures and postcards from all over the world...some from places I've never heard of!."
"Really?...Honest?.
"Yeah-it's really cool!.We're supposed to take the ship together this summer through the Panama canal!".
Last but by no means outdone, the third boy proudly reveals that his father is a hot-shot lawyer, who is quickly working his way up the legal food chain.
"What does he do?." his buddies both ask.
"He jets around the corporate world,helping his clients achieve their legal goals.He makes tons of money,and we've got a huge Mercedes.It's almost as big as a Maybach!."
"Really?...Honest?."
"No,no no...I'm sorry for the confusion-he's the regular kind!."
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Old 02-25-2005, 07:58 PM
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Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a rhino?
A:The lawyer charges more!

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to get into the attic?
A: 3. One to hold the ladder, one to climb the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They all screw up once in a while!

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water!

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
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