Off Topic - but funny.
08-13-2008, 03:47 PM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 329
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
A slow Tahoe!
Off Topic - but funny.
Employee Memo
Dear Employee,
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lumpsum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board, that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand. Please contact personnel directly to recommend any senior employees you feel need to be SLAPPED, SCREWED or SHAFTED.
Once again, we would like to thank each of you for all of your years of service with us.
Sincerely,
The Management
Dear Employee,
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lumpsum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board, that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand. Please contact personnel directly to recommend any senior employees you feel need to be SLAPPED, SCREWED or SHAFTED.
Once again, we would like to thank each of you for all of your years of service with us.
Sincerely,
The Management
08-13-2008, 05:52 PM
#2
Almost a Member!
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Hacienda Heights, CA
Posts: 53
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
04 E55, 89 MR2 S/C
Hahaha...now highlighting, Ctrl+C, new office document, blank document, Ctrl+V, Ctrl+P, Ok, push pin check, bulletin board check, anybody looking...clear...now pinned on bulletin board....Runnnnnn!
08-13-2008, 07:18 PM
#3
MBWorld Fanatic!
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: So-Cal
Posts: 3,069
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
W211 E55 AMG, ML63 AMG, Past 996GT3,ZCPM3,Brabus C32,ML 500
