by Teddy Field
As the world awaits the arrival of an entirely new Mercedes SL, the brass in Stuttgart have quietly dropped the last remaining V12 powered car from their lineup: the Mercedes SL65. Shortly after noticing, conspiracy theorists began showering the blogosphere with their conjecture. Some claimed that it was the new SLS, in the Conservatory, with the rope. Others said that it was the forthcoming 2012 Mercedes SL, in the Library, with the pipe wrench. While still others insisted that it was Obama, in the Billiard Room, with the CAFE standards. But who really killed the Mercedes SL65 AMG?
Let’s look at the “Clues”…
Suspect #1 – Mercedes SLS AMG Roadster
The new SLS supercar was born in Affalterbach, so it didn’t spend a lot
of time on the family farm in Stuttgart. It was raised as the love child
of Rocky Balboa and Wonder Woman. And as a result…it wasn’t nearly
as fat as its half-brother the SL65 AMG.
In fact, the new SLS AMG Roadster tips the scales at 900 pounds less
than the V12 SL65. It’s priced nearly the same ($too,much.00), and it
even goes quicker, using less power (571-hp SLS vs. 604-hp SL65). So the
two cars will obviously be competing for the same customer…which
presents the obvious motive: Jealousy.
However, witnesses have confirmed that the new Mercedes SLS AMG Roadster
was seen in Germany, with Jay Leno at the time of the murder.
Suspect #2 – Barak Husein Obama
In an effort to win the hearts of voters, who are tiring of being robbed
every time they fill up, Obama recently announced that Corporate Average
Fuel Economy would be raised to 54.5 mpg by 2025…thus putting more
money back in our pockets! Never mind the fact that people buying less
gas will reduce the money (gasoline tax) needed to maintain our roads
Mercedes publicly snubbed Obama’s new rules, leading some to believe
that getting rid of the 186 MPH, twin-turbo V12, SL65 AMG (12 city / 18
hwy) would help Stuttgart to trim its fleet’s average fuel economy
However, the Secret Service has confirmed that Obama was busy Tweeting about his vacation at the time of the murder.
Suspect #3 – 2012 Mercedes SL
A sporty 2-door was seen leaving the scene of the crime, but witnesses
couldn’t make a positive ID because it was wearing a black mask.
Enter the upcoming 2012 Mercedes SL…
The new SL has been seen wearing black body-camo, and it doesn’t have a
solid alibi for the time of the murder either. When we tried to
interview the 2012 Mercedes SL (so far, no mention has been made of a
V12 model), we were told that it wouldn’t be available until September,
at the Frankfurt Motor Show.
Maybe we’ll be able to find more “clues” then. But in the meantime, join
me in a moment of silence, as we mark the passing of a great car, and a
great era. The 2011 Mercedes Benz SL65 AMG…may there be a lot of
black number 11’s on the golden streets of car-heaven.