Quirky but cool! If you don't know who Frank Lampard or Jose Mourinho are, let me know



Exactly how de luxe is Mercedes' new massive but low-slung, four-door coupe? Our own tests, conducted during a week of tooling around in this quite extraordinary new addition to the available range of company directors' gravel-crunchers, concluded that it was "thumpingly de luxe", bordering on "screamingly de luxe", and possibly even "so de luxe it hurts".

Certainly, this was the first car I have driven that has offered me a back massage. OK, so it's an automated one, Mercedes being unable to supply an aromatherapist as standard, even at these prices. And frankly, with only four seats available in the car, one might be reluctant to sacrifice one of them to non-essential support staff.

Yet there it is: just push the button marked "Pulse" to experience a full-on lumbar kneading, courtesy of the seat you're sitting in. To be honest, the resulting physical pressure does not rank among the most intensive therapeutic experiences available on the market. I'm not sure you would go to a Mercedes CLS for deep tissue restoration, in the manner offered by, say, a Swedish massage, or to see off a recurrent sports injury.

In fact, it was a bit like being lightly pelted with Lego bricks. Danish massage, then. But, hey: whatever floats your boat. Just remember that you're going to feel, and look, a little foolish if you remove your top.

What next? The accelerator that doubles as a footbath is presumably only an automotive generation or two away. Meanwhile, one can hardly not be impressed, and even inspired, by Mercedes' attention to customer comfort. I only hope they have thought through the implications. What does today's stressed-out executive need at the end of a long day's business? A reviving back rub, of course. But if he can get it from his car, what's his secretary going to do?

Whatever, even with the pulsing seats switched off, driving the CLS is, in its own way, a prestige spa treatment. I had the CLS 500, which comes with a 5.0 litre V8 engine and an automatic gearbox that, in a classic piece of industry one-upmanship, has seven speeds. Together, they move the car's large but cunningly light aluminium and steel body around in great, long surges of power, yet all the while the car makes no noise beyond a quiet, self-contented muttering.

Note the way the underside of the roof is so close above you that it tickles your hairstyle; and note, also, the tiny, elf-like side-windows. Coupes run blissfully counter to the prevailing trend in car-glazing, which is to optimise the amount of glass to the point where the inhabitants forget they are in a car at all and begin to believe that they are outside, in the fresh air, on an open-top bus.

A coupe, on the other hand, never wants you to forget where you are, in the belief that the car is where you want to be, and the outside world can go hang. Hence those side-windows, which, to use the official industry unit of measurement, are incey, and which invite you, by all means, to look out and check the passing landscape every now and again, but only in the knowledge that you would much rather be enjoying the gentle, homely glow of your walnut-encased dashboard.

Actually, it's not only the dash that is walnut-clad. The steering wheel is a beautifully cold-to-the-touch mix of wood and leather, and the walnut panelling passes between the front seats and splits the rear cabin. It's as if a tree has fallen right down the middle of the car, magically polishing itself to a high sheen on the way down.

Needless to say, V8 engines, forests of walnut and seats that can be coaxed into stroking their occupants don't come cheap. The CLS's on-the-road price is, in itself, wad-wavingly impressive, but the extras attached to the model I drove got the cost up to a giddy £60,455, which is a week's wages after tax for Frank Lampard, but a slightly longer-term savings proposition for most of the rest of us.

Sixteen hundred pounds, by the way, had been spent fancifying the front seats alone. You could get a decent second-hand Peugeot for the price of the chairs in a CLS.

Still, who's paying? Your company, with any luck. As a CLS-owner, the chances are you won't have got where you are today without delegating a few undesirable chores, and you'll be pleased by the car's willingness to fall in line with your own business philosophy - folding away its own wing-mirrors, springing open its own boot, returning your seat to its pre-programmed position, turning on your windscreen wipers for you at the first hint of rain, and so forth.

You may also approve of the car's paintwork - or rather, its "nanopaint", which is three times as tough as normal paint and 40% shinier, as the person who cleans your car for you will be delighted to find out.

It's only fair to acknowledge that a car of this nature attracts some uncharitable looks. But I was aloft on a cushion of air in £60,000-worth of mobile German massage parlour, and I didn't care.

Giles Smith

The Lowdown
Mercedes CLS 500
Price: from £52,115
Top speed: 115mph (limited
Acceleration: 0-62.5mph in 6.1 secs
Consumption: 25 mpg (combined)
At the wheel: Jose Mourinho
On the stereo: Robbie Williams
En route for: Cobham

 

Messaging seats, auto folding mirrors??? Did i miss these options somewhere, or are those Euro options???

 

adam76,

I think the massage seat is part of the dynamic seat function. Also, folding mirror is Euro parts and not avaialble for US model. But MBenznl can install this option for us. http://www.mbenznl.com/products/mirrors.shtml

Thanks,
hlkc

 

Didnt know the Dynamic Seats had that, not that worried, but i would like folding mirrors. i wonder why they dropped it for the US??? I didnt see CLS listed on MBenzNL site, do you know for sure they are doing the CLS?

thanks for the info!

 

adam,

It is not in their site yet since it is new item. According to scorchie in MBenzNL, it is available and speical order only. When you arm/lock the door, both mirrors will fold. I seen in W211 E and it looks pretty cool. In addition, you will get a new set of switch that you can manual fold the mirror in your driver seat.

Cheers,
hlkc

 

The folding mirrors are standard on the UK models (and I think all other Euro models). Other main difference Euro v US re extras is that you guys can do packages e.g premium, lighting. We need to buy everything as single items

 

Does it come out less expensive for you ordering individually?

 

Generally speaking no. From previous experience with BMW etc, ordering a number of options as a package kicks in a discount of around 10%. Listing them all individually certainly adds to the cost (these marketing boys ain't stupid!) but also means you don't get the benefit of 'recommendations' from the manufacturer.

This was the case with the CLS when I first approached the dealer about it. Bearing in mind the car hasn't launched in the UK yet (even though I get mine next week!), bottom line is I know more about the car than the dealer does.

You won't believe how many times I've sent him links to this forum to get him clued up